The Hardest Moment Of My Life

you couldn't imagine the things i've been through in my 23 years of living. moments that have almost brought me to the point of taking my own life. [please don't worry about that. i'll never give up living, no matter how difficult it gets] but this 23rd year has already given me the hardest moment of my life. through the years you gain friends enemies. and you lose friends/enemies. i am not perfect and shall never claim to be. since i started blogging a year or more ago i have always confessed to being a work in progress. and i will never say any different. especially with having accomplished so little compared to how much more life i have and how many more things i have to accomplish. [goals as far as career/marriage/family] i haven't always made the best decisions. i haven't always gone about things the right way. but i've grown up with many disadvantages many around me could never guess or assume. and please don't take that as an excuse. because i surely don't offer it as one. just an explanation behind a lot of the decisions/choices i've made in life that haven't been the best. through it all, whether fueled by anger/jealousy/greed, inside my intentions have always been and shall always be good. like many others, at times those good intentions aren't always recognized and sometimes those negative emotions can blind me. whatever the case may be: i apologize. to any and everyone i have ever hurt, i'm hurting, or will hurt. again, i don't apologize for the sake of justifying any actions or wrong doings. i apologize because as a soul trying to find his way in this world, i have to accept the mistakes i have made, apologize from them, learn my lessons and march forward looking for a way to prove i am continuously becoming a better man; a better person. most recently i've experienced one of the hugest shifts in my life ever. and to be honest i don't think anything will ever occur in my life to this magnitude again. and while i have had true friends stand by my side and help me realize the lessons i have learned from this experience and acknowledge a lot of other aspects that surround this specific situation, i am hurting more than i can ever say i've hurt before. a lot of people attribute it to them immaturity of specific persons. or the hurt. or the "follower" mentality of some. but it all hurts. to see people speak so badly about me. to go so out of their way to disrespect my name. to spread such inaccurate rumors and offer such a jaded opinion of me. it hurts. and while many may feel my pain. while many may have experienced similar if not worse. because it's going on at this very moment in my life. because it's happening to me and no one else. it's a pain that i can't believe anyone accurately understands. i mean at the end of the day no one else is in my shoes. no one else takes these rumors/comments/actions as personal as i do. but i'm not trying to play the victim here. i got myself into this situation. i knew things would change. and as hurtful as it is. i don't regret anything. it took something like this to expose a lot of people's true character's to not only me, but the people surrounding them who may have a bit of info on what's going on. i wrote this blog as an attempt to help move past this. i'm not trying to hurry the process by any means. but as many bloggers know, sometimes there are somethings you can't accurately get out to people through a conversation. and sometimes letting these fingers speak from the soul is the best medicine whatever ails you at the time. and that's what i'm doing. i pray many times a day. [since before this bump in the road] and i have not let up one bit through this ordeal. as a matter of fact this has taught me to pray more often actually. now i'm just saying what works for me. every time i experience that moment where it seems like i've been dealt a hard blow. every time i hear of something more hurtful. every time i feel alone. every time i start beating up on myself and sulking. i pray. because i know that He will never give me more than i can handle. and i acknowledge that i cannot do anything without Him. so i'm not about to sit here and think i'm going to be able to grow and move forward in life without getting down on my knees and praying to Him to help me through this. and this is tough. real tough. everyday i'm scared that someone i truly appreciate as a friend will hear some bullsh*t about this situation and change their opinion of me. as many that have showed their true colors and hit me up just to make sure i'm okay. have made an effort to show me our friendship hasn't changed, i just can't help but worry who's next ya know? but everything happens for a reason. i found myself locked in an environment that really wasn't good for me. and to be honest, probably isn't good for anyone else involved in that same environment. and i say that because i know many who voiced the same concerns about getting out of that. as harsh of a situation as it was, it allowed me to get out. and i know this is the perfect opportunity for me to put myself in a better position in every aspect of my life, but again, this is hard. that routine you get used to. those people you become familiar with. for it all to just up and change can really rock your world. this is not to say that my issues are the toughest things going on in the world. i know they're not. [my prayers go out to all in Haiti] but this is an issue that's closest to home for me. something in my actual everyday living that is really affecting me. *sighs* i just needed to vent. if you read this, thank you and i hope you understand. this is honestly just the hardest moment of my life. but i promise you the phoenix will rise from the ashes. a new beginning is not far away at all. *smh* i just needed to express my feelings about what i'm going through right now.

-there will be no revision/edits to this one. this is just me. raw as can be. i let my fingers speak for my soul.