2010

Happy New Year! [be safe out there. drink responsibly. watch out for the sobriety checks. don't drink & drive. have fun!]

i like you

the girls i like usually don't know it. and probably never will unless i know the feeling is mutual or i'm feeling bold [aka i might have a few drinks in me lol] i've been trying to get over this for what seems like forever but i can't help but be nervous around girls im generally interested in. and i can't ever get used to rejection. [maybe it's just me but i don't think that's something anyone should ever get used to] well going into 2010 i hope some sort of solution works itself out. i plan on taking more chances and all of that but i just don't know...i like you...and i don't know how to act. they say act natural but i love talking to girls and getting to know them and what they like. i really enjoy knowing girls. and im sure that could possibly be a bit much for some. [or at least i scare myself into believing that] the honest truth is i have a lot to give and just like many out there i want the opportunity to love someone the best way i can. a bit intense im sure. but i know for a fact there are people out there who feel the same way as me. i guess i just have to wait until i meet that one girl who understands. [and maybe thinks it's cute? lol] but when we want something really bad we can't help but get anxious. so i'm sure i might make a few mistakes. but going into 2010 i plan on loving like i never have before and i won't regret one bit of it. this is the year of the lover. [shout out to jdaflip]

My apologies!

As you all can see I'm not such a HUGE blogger and honestly I won't ever be...but I realize that some of you really enjoy this blog and some of you have hit me up on twitter or aim saying "post something already!!" [LoL] I spend a lot of time on my lappy as it is and idk why I can't just log on and give you guys a fix but I promise to do better. Its not like I don't have shit to say LoL. So my apologies for not delivering, hope y'all forgive me :-)

marijuana

i don't think i've ever actually referred to it as that. most likely just weed or some codename. but anyways i will no longer be partaking in smoking weed [i never have/will smoke anything else either]. i've spent the last month or so debating on letting it go and today i decided it's time to cut those strings. there are a couple of different reasons why and if you're interested in knowing why i'll explain that as you keep reading. now i wanna say that within the last 4 months i became what some would consider a serious smoker. i got a medical card and my whole life changed lol. don't get me wrong tho. i don't regret smoking. i don't have anything against it per se. or anybody who chooses to smoke weed. i can't really f*ck with the concept of smoking cigarettes but i dont really have much to say about that. to each their own. it was actually a great experience. i made a lot of new friends smoking. scavengers who just wanted in on my hook up [medical card]. heavy smokers [fellow medical card holders or avid weed smokers]. and weed experts [knowledge of any and all things weed related]. it was a good time all around and i hope the friendships ive built through means of smoking won't vanish [but time will tell]. for me though, giving up weed fell more into my 2010 mindset.

i would like to be more successful in the things i do and the goals i aspire to accomplish and while i can dream big and plan out my road to success, i feel like i'm lacking discipline. whether it be working out or studying or practicing the guitar. i let many excuses keep me from focusing on whatever skill/task i was supposed to be working towards. i don't wanna let that happen anymore. i want to be able to develop a level of discipline that will help me effectively and efficiently reach my goals. im about to be 23 and i wanna accomplish some sh*t in my lifetime so i really don't want to waste any more time bullsh*ttin. i figured picking up a martial art would be a perfect way to help develop this discipline. and i would add onto that by picking up other physical activities to help focus on the discipline of working out and learning something like the values and morals involved in learning a martial art. so anyways, i feel like im rambling now. long story short today i went to a boxing class by way of a good buddy of mine [who i met through smoking] and i loved that sh*t. i already have a hidden passion for working out. i'm addicted to the results [and also the pain after. no pain, no gain lol] i just give into my laziness more often than none. but to me today was just a teaser of what i'm in for in this arriving year of 2010. [oh yea, ive also been playing basketball more and i wanna learn how to play soccer realli good] so with all this working out and training and practice and physical activity i plan on getting in, i figure weed will be unnecessary. now i know many make the argument that smoking weed before working out will increase the results or some bullsh*t but i argue that i shouldn't have to trick my mind or body into doing that. i figure the discipline of focusing on the actual workouts will be more beneficial to my mind, body & soul in the end versus tricking my mind into working out for the wrong reasons. i want to train my mind to want/enjoy working out. [does that make sense?] also the actual act of smoking was never really something i enjoyed. the whole inhaling/exhaling thing never felt comfortable [slash i didnt want it to become comfortable, if that makes any sense to you]. the coughing slash d*mn near dying from inhaling too hard or whatever. and also there would be this feeling in my throat i would get when i would have huge sessions that just felt like years and years of that would leave me with a hole in my neck. and ima be real with yall. i don't want that sh*t at all. so yea, most weed smokers claim their not addicted, and they can stop when they want if they want and i can tell you from being on the inside. that's a lie. weed does become an addiction for some if not most no matter how mild it may be. many smoke to ignore life's issues. some smoke because they enjoy feeling the bond made between fellow smokers. [and i completely understand that. majority of smokers understand each other on a deeper level...or at least the weed makes you think so.] some smoke because they feel it makes them focus better on a task or enjoy life more. makes food better. makes sex better. good sleep. whatever excuses there may be for smoking weed, i feel like there is a healthier, drug-free substitute for all of that. [sidenote: as much as i enjoy the company of a girl who smokes, the smokers cough has always been one of the most attractive things ever and if you smoke on any kind of regular basis, that is inevitable.] well now that i've ramble on forever, i hope whoever takes the time to read this understands where i'm coming from. hopefully it'll change a life or two. if not, i definitely hold no harsh feelings or pass any judgment on those who continue to smoke. it's honestly just a personal decision that i feel will work out in my favor. so please don't be offended when i decline or step away from a session. it's just not my thing anymore. :)

12:34

the time above represents the perfect time. It is a time when the numbers are in sequence beginning with one [a more accurate time would be 12:34:56 where 56 represents the seconds] but that has nothing to do with this post except for that is the time I wrote this. Right now I'm @ a Denny's [many who know me might not be surprised, but I am] I'm out with a buddy of mine right now, hittin up some functions. We just went to one that was entirely too packed and hot for me. It was good, I just didn't wanna be that hot. He wanted to stay so elected to go get something to eat while he enjoyed himself. And that's how I ended up here @ Denny's. I decided I would write a blog while I waited for my food. [I ordered a Grand Slam burrito...I love that sh*t.] Hopefully it doesn't take me too long to eat. and i hope my friend enjoys himself. I don't really have anything to say. I'm just typing. I haven't done that in a while. Now I'm just wasting time until my food comes. So I'll tell you about my niece. I love her so much. That little woman has changed my life and it's such an honor to be able to be apart of her life and helping develop who she becomes. I don't wanna let her down at all. I wanna love her unconditionally and teach her random cool things. I wanna be able to be real close with her and help her understand life when she's afraid to speak to her father [my brother] about things. Well my food is here so I'm going to end this. Thanks for reading. ...in a way, you just kept me company :) [Merry Christmas lol]

as soon as I was ret to dig in, my homeboi calls me and says he's ready to shake. [I had a feeling that would happen lol] so I got half of it to go, ate one half and then left to get him. took him home, came home, finished the rest of that Grand Slam burrito, wrote some blogs and finished this one. I have no idea why I'm telling you this but I am so I hope someone cares/enjoys lol. goodnight [or good morning depending on when you're reading this...afternoon even...]
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

wasted beauty

i cant remember the last time i heard about someone like you
you remind me of those forgotten vixens
the ones who constantly search for love
and can't handle the twist and turns
so you turn to drugs when you dont get attention
you drown the confusion of your emotions in every bottle or cup you can
or a blunt
or a pill
or some lean
whatever takes the pain away
whatever transports you to the next day
because you can't bear the pain any longer

why doesnt he love you the way you want him to?
why cant things just be the way you want them to be?
you love him
but you hate the way he treats you
you hate the way he makes you feel
then why do you still love him
why do you stay around
it doesnt have to be that way
but no one can make you see

that you deserve to be treated better
you should be inspired to experience the world more
versus spending your days and nights numb
someone should get you high off their energy
and you can become their favorite joy
a new addiction if you will
all the highs
and very few lows

but will you ever put down that glass
or put out that blunt
and see past the lies clear eyes is telling you

im scared for you
you dont see any limits
and it's only a matter of time
i just hope you dont slip too deep
and no longer have the ability to see

how beautiful you truly are

home sweet home

baby. i am coming home. to you. and that is enough to keep me living. i'll wake up early. i'll work hard. i'll bear traffic. all to come home to you. eat dinner together. wash the dishes. shower. watch tv or a movie. cuddle. enjoying each others company. or maybe we're around the place doing our own thing. your presence alone will make me feel at. without you. this house is not a home. i love the way you taste in the morning. and the way you feel at night. the smell of your sweet perfume send electricity through my blood. i'm in love with every single bit of you. even the parts you dont think i notice. your beauty knows know ends. baby. im coming home. to you.

the era of my love

my ideal love exists in a different era. in time well before mine. maybe it's because i idolize the love my grandparents had. their time. i wanna say the mid 60's. it may be a troubled time but the love stories ive seen in that era stand out to me the most. the southern girl pursued by a wild southern gentlemen. to imagine that kind of love warms my spirit. something like the Notebook. [if you have seen it, fix that] but that era. that time. it feels like things were more honest. men had to court women before they could win their mind, body & soul. you were introduced to the parents the right way. when you picked her up for a date. or came over for dinner. not caught making out in your house when you thought they were gone. or not because you got her pregnant. and i completely understand those situations. when it's fresh it seems it's at it's best. you live in the moment. you take on the new. the bold. but nowadays it doesnt seem like that lasts too long for whatever reasons. but back in the day it seemed to always last forever. it's that honesty. think of your grandparents. together for decades. yea it may sound extreme to some. but i like the idea of somebody loving me forever. and me loving them just as strongly. but this era is forgotten. i dont even think people fall in love anymore. or at least it feels like they dont. i refuse to be like the rest. im going to live the way that makes me happy. and find someone who wants to write this love story with me. a hopeful romantic i choose to be.

shower sex

i'm not gon lie, it's not always as easy as the pornos and movies make it seem. but that sh*t is some kind of tight. just being under the warm water is amazing. maybe you guys started off washing each other. [don't knock til you try it] and seeing the water rinse the suds away. revealing the delicious complexion of their skin. [if you're not a freak, turn back now] pressing her body up against the wall. or the shower door. the cold may startle her a little bit at first, but if you're gentle, it'll be more of a turn on if anything. and then just the actual act of having sex while the water is raining down on you; it can set a certain type of mood. it can ignite passion. it can create a sensual aura. the scratching can go better in there. [a more intense feeling, less injury risk lol] biting is extremely effective in there. [the water is cooled by the air and the temperature in your mouth will combine with that to create a surprisingly arousing sensation] sh*t, it might end up being some of the best sex you've ever had. but again, ima warn you; it's not always easy to get it poppin tho. it's slippery in there. and some showers may not give you enough space to get it in. [but then again, you can get it poppin in some pretty close spaces if you two know what you're doing.] sometimes after sex i like to shower together. something about washing a woman's body. rubbing lotion all over her. massaging her. caressing her. yea. i'm just into stuff like that. but maybe it's just me...

the best i ever had

often times we hold back in relationships. mainly in the beginning. fear that someone might take advantage of us again. hurt us. use us. abuse us. but often times that keeps us from loving like we know we can. and then we wonder why the relationship went sour. how can we ask someone to love us all the way when we are barely giving half? it's an unfair expectation many of us walk around with. well i can't live like that anymore. do unto others as you would have others do unto you [or something like that lol] i'm going to give my everything and eventually i will come across someone who does the same. and hopefully we can just continue to inspire each other to keep giving each other our all. because i can move forward knowing that i gave my all versus regretting not being 100 from jump. again, i'm bound to come across someone i can build a successful relationship with. to some i may be jumping the gun. but i want a family. and that sh*t doesn't just happen. the 2 people that start a family have quite a bit to go through and experience before they get started. [or at least i feel it should be that way] i idolize the love story my grandparents had. meeting in college. falling in love. living happily ever after. because they were able to build such a foundation. mold such a bond. they started a family. raised children. have grandchildren. maintain ties with family rooted elsewhere. amazing. simply amazing. to me. but then again i'm a just a hopeful romantic. but i feel like there's a woman out there who can appreciate/love/respect me and i can give her the same in return.


baby you're my everything, you're all i've ever wanted...

let's talk about sex baby

how would you feel if i asked you to wait to have sex with me? has that ever happened to you before?

when i saw what cheating did to a girl; it changed my life. and i vowed never to let myself get into those same situations again. and so i came up with a certain way i chose to go about relationships from now on. but more so the moving on process. but even more so about sex. [lol] first off, i am no longer having sex outside of a relationship. it's going to be extremely tough but it's so much safer. it allows time for std testing to take place. [if you dont have anything you, shouldnt be offended.] and then, when relationship ends, i will not have sex for the remainder of that year. [even if i get a new girlfriend within that year] sounds crazy right? but i like the way it works out. i see it as my own twist on celibacy. [im assuming that's allowed. if not...idgaf] if a girl respected that and waited, there would be such a bond built by the time it went down. and it allows me time to successfully move on from a past relationship before entering a new one. [major area of f*ck ups in the past] and get tested. [are you scared?] then once the New Year rolls around, the 1st kiss of the year means so much more AND there could be New Year's Day sex! [super plus!] and just think. starting off the year with a fresh relationship! if enough time has passed and allowed us to build a good foundation; the possibilities are endless. now some might ask "what if that's not enough time for me to move on?" EX: a relationship that lasted a long while, years maybe, and it ends in NOV/DEC. well if i don't truly feel i am ready to get in a relationship again, i won't. and i'm not going to lie to myself. what good would that do? and in the meantime when im not in a relationship, not having sex, not building a foundation for a new relationship; ima keep on living loving learning and laughing.

idk...

i blogged today. or at least i wrote an entry. got pretty into too lol. but at some point i just stopped, doubted that it would make any sense and deleted it. it was about trust. a subject i feel some kind of way about. i just felt like i was too all over the place with it and it wouldnt make sense or nobody would care to read it. lol i guess i experienced a moment of writer's insecurity. [as i'm sure many other bloggers have] but i dont like that. i dont know why i felt it. maybe it's because it's been so long since ive blogged. whatever it is i need to get this together. i miss blogging. it's just things have been kind of all over the place in my head lately. idk..

Imperfection

We wake up in the morning
look ourselves in the mirror, and we try to see
our imperfection that seems to appear.

The imperfection could be exterior or interior, 
it could be something you can correct
or it could be something you did and can’t forget.

The imperfection shines brighter on somebody else,
even though you have more to deal with,
you could be judgmental or critical
but deep inside you know love is unconditional.

Maybe saying, “I’m sorry” it’s mandatory,
coming from your conscious,
coming from your heart,
coming from your mind,
that you know you were wrong.

A lot of times people forget we're ONLY human, shit happens, and people make mistakes [Even those who are in the "spotlight"]. Don't be so quick to judge just because you think NO1 knows your dirt cause guess what? There's a higher POWER that knows ALL of what we do and what if he judged you??

For All We Know

Donny Hathaway is my all-time favorite singer. I wish i could sing like him so bad! It started out with This Christmas [shoutout to daymechelle] but when i went to see Roll Bounce [don't dare judge me. the movie was good] this one song really stood out to me and it naturally became my second favorite Donny Hathaway song [nothing can beat This Christmas lol] but i can never find it on Youtube :(
[and Youtube has everything!] so if you can come across a legit version please check it out. it's such a gem. [check out the covers at your own risk...] if anyone so happens to come across a good version or an actual recording of the song i can put on this post, please do not hesitate to comment with that information. i truly do appreciate it.

emo

i'm human. as often as i may live like i'm not. i am. and i'm an emotional human. no matter how nonchalant my demeanor may come off. and sometimes life just gets to me. not in a bad way. i gave up my emo/depressed ways a while back. but every now and then i get "drained". it might be constant dealings with an ex. or just time for a much needed break. whatever it may be i found that escaping into a world of music . [go figure lol] but i tend to gravitate towards slow music. a lot of people stay away from these types of songs during moments like this because they feel it might drag them deeper into their fun. not i. i have this weird appetite for emotion. and i tend to listen to these songs. no matter what their content/message and draw on the emotion behind the lyrics or vocals or harmonies or melodies or instruments. any and everything i can. and eventually i'm recharged. it's like hearing what others are going through. what they've been through. or how they feel. whether i relate or not. eases me in some way. i hope that's not taken in some weird way. but it is who i am. whatever the case may be. now that i've made absolutely no sense. i wanted to share a song with whoever comes across this posts. it's a bit of a listen. but worth it. i hope someone finds the time to enjoy it :)

[i wanna blog about the significance of Musiq Soulchild to me at some point]

what did we do again?

i play video games. a lot. and i play them online. it's fun. i'm a nerd. a geek. a guy. loser. whatever you wanna call me. that's me. but the one thing i cannot stand when playing online is when i hear all this racism towards black people. and there's no real way you can tell what race/culture you're playing against [unless your name makes reference to it] so a lot of times these people are casually saying the most disrespectful things about black people without one possibly even playing against them. and it gets real unnecessary too. there are whole groups that play together just talking all kinds of sh*t. i swear i've heard some sh*t that will legit put you right back in that time of slavery. it's absolutely f*cking ridiculous. and what can anybody do about it??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! and that pisses me off the most. i'm not racist. i may not refer to everybody in the politically correct way but i don't harbor any hidden resentments towards anybody. whatever feelings i may have towards someone is definitely based on the individual. not their race. not their culture. not their geographic location [because there's a whole bunch of anti-American talk on their too] nor any reference to their nationality or background. and unfortunately it's not just an international thing. there are people who clearly live in the USA that are online spewing all kinds of racist sh*t. i'm not asking for the red carpet treatment. i'm not asking for reparations or 40 acres and a mule. i'm just asking for the same thing EVERYBODY else wants. respect. is that honestly too much to ask? we have a black President. not for bragging rights. but as clear evidence that we as a people. we as a country. have come a long way since the days when slaves were shipped from Africa to all around the world. i myself want to travel the world. i want to see sh*t. i want to do sh*t. and your telling me i have to always keep my guards up because of the color of my skin? the way i talk? the way i walk? where i live? where i was born? how i look? with no respect for what i may have to offer? well i'll tell you this. as much as sh*t like this pisses me off. ima let it motivate me. my name is going to mean something before i'm done in this life. and every racist comment. every racist side glance [you know what i'm talkin about..] every disrespectful thing that i have ever experienced and will continue to experience [it's absolutely ridiculous that i had to say that] is only going to fuel the fire of success that burns inside of me. because see i strive to be more than what you make me out to be. i'm not just that NIGGA/NIGGER. i'm not someone's baby daddy. i'm not that brotha standin on the corner. I am Mychael Anthony Brown I. a young man trying to find his own way to transition into the adult world successfully. and either you're going to respect that or regret that. i'm done.

Excepting Christ

This wednesday at 7pm I'm going to be getting Baptized:-) This will be the 2nd time but I think when your a child and your parents decide for you it doesn't count [it does tho] but I felt since I'm old enough to really understand religion and decide my own destiny there is NO better time to do so then now! These last few years have really brung me closer to GOD for soo many reasons but to be honest the reasoning was selfish on my part. Also it was a struggle keeping the FAITH with loved ones dying especially when they're young and doing positive things [it made me feel like I was going to be next] and then you start to question HIM, which they say your NOT suppose to do [I'm only human]. I was never really taught how to approach GOD or how to pray in terms of word usage and I'm still not sure if I got it right but I do know my prayers do get answered in some form or another [so maybe there is no wrong way]. However, during that time of selfishness, grief from losing people I love, and taking NO responsibility for Daynesha. I noticed somehow I forgot who was in control of this journey and it was time to reconnect with what I believe in and regain FAITH that was never really lost in the 1st place. Although, I'm not the every Sunday church going type and I don't have to be, but I do know what type of commitment I'm making and I won't lie, it won't be easy [what is?]. I look forward to what GOD has in-store for me and I continue to walk in FAITH!
**If ever you feel like I felt I hope this post will help you thru it all!**

P.S. If you don't BELIEVE in something you'll FALL for ANYthing.

Perfect Lullaby

Frustration

Alot of things come wayyyy too easy for me. However, men seem to hide [well the decent ones who actually could have a chance]. I hate that all the men who want a chance aren't the ones that I like even a little bit LoL. For example, you know how they say all the ugly dudes are the BOLDEST dudes ever. They'll be 1st to ask you for your number, a dance, buy you a drink, etc. But the cuties they MUST think they too good. I'm here to tell ya YOUR NOT!! I've been single for a while now and it's funny how men think that try to "pursue" me. I won't go into detail but I will say you've all FAILED! I know I can be intimidating at times and extremely blunt but those are things I think men should appreciate. Older men do! Which brings me to my next point. Older men are mature already, they know how the game goes and they're so ready to sweep a young tender like myself off they feet. But here's the catch they probably got 2 and 3 baby mommas, still live at home with their mom, or they just too damn old lol. Ladies the saga continues until you find th@ 1.

Tis the Season

[This is what seals the deal for me...Thx Donny!]

Felt so Real...

The feeling I got was like goose bumps from his fingers rolling down my back. Each of our lips connected and his tongue went down my chin, he reached the peak of my nipple and I instantly arched my back because the sensation became too much. Laying there I realized this was about to get WILD [not that I wasn't ready or couldn't handle it] before I could even say, "Are you ready for this". The dream Ended:-(

P.S. #FAIL

i am ready for love

on my india irie sh*t. [lol] i have never felt this way before. so sure. there's something about my next relationship. it just feels like it's going to be super special. i don't have anyone in mind. [or maybe i do...] but that's not the kind of feeling i'm talking about. it's more so a feeling of confidence. because i've been through my share of relationships. i've broken hearts. i've had my heart broken. and i'm sure i haven't experienced the things others have gone through. but everyone's love story is different. and i know the passion i plan to put in my next relationship. the lessons learned. the different mindset. and i know i'm young but it's what i feel like doing. i have been intensely infatuated with love since birth. and i feel it's about time to embrace that like i've been longing to my whole life. i'm no skirt chaser. and yea i f*cked up in the past, but the type of girl that is affected by that isn't for me anyways. [You and Me - Musiq] i want to be enveloped in love. i'm ready to give all this love i have inside. and i'm definitely mature enough to receive it in return now. and we can definitely do everything the right way from jump. and communicate effectively along the way. and create our own beautiful world. and get lost in it. may seem impossible to some. if not most. but the girl who understands me is out there. and when we find each other...





im.such.a.hopeful.romantic.

This Is It - Michael Jackson

i absolutely love this song! i was talking to my good friend Yogi yesterday and we were talking aboutour excitement for our next relationship and i realized i loved this song because of the story it tells. [i tend to live in a fantasy world when it comes to love...i like it better that way...] please enjoy it. [at least for Michael Jackson]

to show my appreciation

Dear lady.

woman. sweetheart. baby. cutie. love. senorita. mademoiselle. and every other tender name ever created. i love you so strong it's ridiculous. i admit in the beginning i didn't appreciate you. i was young. forgive me. but now i see just how beautiful you are. how sweet and loving you are. and i want to do nothing but show you my appreciation. i'm trying to learn another language just to tell you how beautiful you are. i even call myself taking guitar lessons so i can write you a song saying how special you are to me. corny i know. but i can't help it. you do this to me. but i'm not complaining. i LOVE loving you. especially after starting off so wrong? oh how i would love the chance to show you that i can love you the right way. and since i can't be with you all i think i've come up with the perfect way to show you my appreciation. i am going to find a woman and love her SO right! i'm going to replace the "i" in my life with "we" and marry her. i vow to make her the happiest woman in the world. i'm going to be everything she needs and more. and we're going to raise a family the way we've always wanted to. we'll teach my boys to appreciate, love & respect women from the time they are born. we'll raise our girls as beautiful, respectable young women who appreciate men in the same respect. i know of nothing else i could possibly do to show you how much i cherish you.

je t'aime,
Mychael Anthony Brown I

Its been soo long...

Like thisismycool said its been a lot of sex & relationship talk throughout this blog and I'm totally fine with it and as the comments show y'all don't mind either [lol]. I feel talking about it is a way of excepting your not getting none or you simply just love the art. Whatever the case I'm here to tell ya it's been sooooooo long since I had that oh shit, DAMN! However, it's by choice. I'm not the casual sex type but I admit I've dabbed in it a few times [dnt judge!lol] but its nothing like having that bf to satisfy whenever needed. I've been in the single world for quite some time now, honestly longer than expected but I'm EXTREMELY picky when it comes to mine, so I'm not at all surprised. Lately, my hormones have been ridiculous! I feel like guys when they wake up with a hard on at times [no bullshit]. It's all good tho cause whenever I do release this tension it'll be something to remember at least I hope so lol. What if it was HORRIBLE?? No jinx!!

In my mind...

so lately all my mind has been on is Sex & Relationships. i don't want people to get the wrong idea about me. i'm just keeping it 100. now it's started to bother me lately because whenever i come to blog all i'm thinking about is some Sex im not having or some Relationship i'm not in. And to be honest that bothered me. so on the way to work i got to thinking about what is going on with me. is it the season? i mean since the youngest age these thoughts and ideas have always been in my mind [dont judge me] but i was feeling bad because it seemed like that was all i had come to be about. Sex & Relationships. and being that this is a blog of Eccentric Souls i feel like it would be unfair if that was truly what i was all about. again. so i got to thinking. and i realized that my mind often times focuses on what's missing in my life. when i wasn't in school and unemployed [all through my old blog] that's all that was on my mind. the fate of my future. financial situations. all of that. but now i'm in school and working. so those voids are filled. but now that i'm single and not having sex, my thoughts that i usually keep in the back of my mind are now pushing their way to the front by any means necessary. so until those voids are filled...lol. but i'm not about to blog about any sexual experiences or give details about all the sh*t i may go through in any future relationship(s). [now if it's a crazy *ss sexual experience i just might have to.] over my time spent on these social networking sites and blogging i've learned that those types of things should stay in private. especially if any parties or familiar faces and friends can access such information from these sites. granted i may mean things to come off one way, who is to say how someone else may take it. and the last thing i want or need again is someone taking my words and throwing them in others face in a hurtful way. [yes. it has happened before to me.] well now that everyone knows what's in store, i hope the results of my nonexistent sex life entertain you :)

Dondria's Duets

I'm not sure if every1 is up on being a LIFER, but if your not I'm sure you'll start. Lifers are ppl who live they life [duh lol] but it came from tuning into Jermaine Dupre's episodes of "living the life"on youtube. To make a long story short JD is bringing this new artist out by the name of Dondria. Now I know alot of ppl are a little skeptical about new music cause you've been let down in the past few months [lol]. I'm here to tell you Dondria has a future in music but I'm still not too sure how far she'll actually go. This mixtape that dropped on the 6th intitled 'Dondria Duets' and its full of hot R&B tracks like i invented sex, pretty wings, breakup, lovers & friends and a whole lot more. Dondria brings her beautiful voice and her female perspective to each song. Well here's the link click for a sample and to download check out global14.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O3d5y4kpg

I Look Good - Chalie Boy

this came on while i was gettin ready to go to this kickback. put me in a good mood. let's see what the night brings...

Close - Tank

so all these thoughts about sex has got me wondering: in my sexual absence, am i going to be ready when the opportunity is right? i won't say "...when the opportunity arises..." because this is by choice. i choose who i have sex with. and everyone isn't a winner. but as these thoughts kept going around my head a song came to mind:

Break You Off

The Roots - Break You Off from Kewellharry on Vimeo.

Woman

so i've been in the mood lately. ima be honest. it's been a while since i've gotten laid. kind of by choice tho. but still. my mind has been in the most freakiest of places lately. my mind is already in the gutter. but don't judge me. i just like sex. it's just something about a female. the warmth of their skin. the softness of their lips. i love every part of a woman. eyes. back. breast. hips. lips. thighs. calves. arms. stomach. cheeks. feet. soul. mind. voice. i could hold a woman for hours. and make love to you for days. f*ck what other people think. woman. i am into you. i'm trying to get tangled in some sheets with you sweetheart. lay on my chest as i rub your back. and please excuse my hands if they gravitate towards your waist. would you think it rude if i wanted to know how you taste? [believe it or not i wasnt trying to rhyme. but don't hate because i did.] and i love to tease. to watch a woman react to my every kiss. every lick. every bite. every caress. mmm mmm mmm. and in the heat of the moment. when our eyes are locked. and our souls are in sync. maybe it's just me. but it turns me on more to see you bite your lip. as your hands run wild all over my body. you're just turning me on even more. i cant help but have you in every position. i love it when you're on top. and when i hit it from the back. i just have to spank it one good time. you've probably been bad anyway. i love to make you cum. it's my favorite past time. maybe i'll slip my hand under your skirt when no one else is looking. i don't mean to tease you. it just means you're on my mind ;) and the things i want to do to you... put on this blindfold. relax. and enjoy the ride. and that's the beginning. when you cum at least twice...

whoa. that got real inappropriate. my bad.
i'm a freak.
may not work for everybody.
but i'll find someone who will appreciate this.
...right?

Thank You

we truly do appreciate all the love you guys show us. whether it's through comments or personal hit ups. a lot of this is some sort of venting. [even if we let our imagination get the best of us sometimes lol] but at the end of the day we're just trying to showcase the beauty of everyday words that many overlook by painting the most vivid of pictures. [or at least we try] and succeed orfail. you guys always seem to show some love and support when it counts the most. and just as a blogger. personally. the comments are always encouraged. we appreciate all past, present and future visitors [spread the word] and we hope you continue to enjoy our blog.

THANK YOU

Fall Shoe

Fashion!! in the Fall= Love of my LIFE! I'm a huge fan of shoes, jackets, and handbags. During the fall thats all you need. Ladies, am I lying? I decided I'd post items that I purchased in fall th@ I absolutely love love love with the hope that y'all will love too lol, if not that's cool too. Oh and if your just as much of fashion fan as I am then feel free to show me what your look is or what you like.

I got these all black spektators a few wks ago.

They're now made for men and women. Thanks Steve Madden!!

Pressure Point!

My neck. Thee most sensitive spot(as in getting the hormones goin) on my body besides my vagine. I know ya'll thinkin why the hell is she tellin us this [TMI] but ya'll know damn well if its not your neck th@ makes the panties wet or d*ck hard its an area not too far from it lol. Sometimes I wish my "spot" wasn't so typical but then again just because u kiss, lick, or touch my neck doesn't mean you'll get me xcited [sorry]. Btw, my neck is just 1 of a few ways to get me in the mood;)

oldie but goodie

[Press PLAY and read along]

"Since I Seen't You"

[Verse 1]
You're 'bout the flyest thang that life could ever bring
Like fresh air to me the blood I bleed sent to me
And I want, wanna build with you

[Chorus]
Since I seen't you, we've been peoples, your're my equal
This love is see through I want to Keep you
I want to be with you

[Verse 2]
Your're like the softest cloud a virgin in my eye
An angel just my size
Wish that I could fall in love with you again
And I wanna build with you

[Chorus]
Since I seen't you, we've been peoples, your're my equal
This love is see through I want to Keep you
I want to be with you

[Post Chorus]
Your conversation is liberating, when we're relating it's a vacation.
Like recreation, I want my way with you

[Bridge]
Ever since the day you walked into my life
I've never been the same then and not again
I hope and pray to God that you stay awhile
..........with me and....

[Chorus]

[Ad lib out.......]

car sex

[viewer/reader discretion advised]


i love car sex. or more so. i appreciate it. you know d*mn well you got it poppin in the car too! that sh*t was super convenient when you couldn't get a spot. i mean. i dig the whole bedroom or living room or family room or whatever room you choose to use. and the hotel thingy. even the beach thingy. but there's something about car sex that holds a special place in my heart lol. oh the thrill of getting caught! [depending on where you parked] maybe it's just me but car sex seems to be amongst the most passionate of sex there is. i mean there's not much to distract you inside the car. especially if you TRYNA get it poppin. you clear everything out the way! and it's just you. and them. [whoever that person may be for you] and some good ol sweaty sex. [...or maybe you really not tryna gettin it poppin. sad face for you.] i'm tryna f*ck up some hair when it comes to car sex. i know that's f*ck up to the girl. but she had to have known what she was gettin herself into beforehand lol. im tryna have that sh*t jumpin and squeakin and rockin and disturbin the peace and alla that sh*t. why not? i bet the neighbors know my name. [shout out to @SongzYuuup] lol i'm being flooded with memories that are a bit much too even put in this post so ima wrap it up here. [no pun. but WRAP-IT-UP via BET] and if you haven't had car sex. get you some. if it's been a while. fix that.

i was feelin old school today...

im thinking there should be a male version of this song...

my ideal girl...

so today i got to thinking about my ideal girl. please don't misunderstand this post. these are just the thoughts that ran across my mind when i was thinking about my ideal girl...

she couldn't be 1 dimensional. her beauty alone would be absolutely amazing. but her intelligence and maturity would be just as amazing if not more. i'm not asking for a supermodel. i'm not asking for a doctor. but a woman who understands there is no reason to mask her natural beauty with make up. don't get me wrong. i understand how make up can enhance natural beauty. but trust me baby when i say, you don't need it. she can hold her own. her style, her grace, her swagger. is like no other. because it's natural. she is who many try to be. original. willing to lounge around the house with me in some basketball shorts and a shirt on a lazy sunday watching football. [and she tries her best to get into the game with me] a girl who can throw on a dress and some heels and turn heads. our sexual chemistry would always seem to be @ it's peak. this relationship isn't based solely on sex at all. but we can't seem to keep our hands off each other. constantly flirting. teasing. pleasing. she's my girl, so she comes first. and then i'll follow. [keep your mind out the gutter...] she can cook. but so can i. and what we both can't, we'll learn. if not from each other. together. and that's the attitude we carry throughout life as well. we motivate each. we inspire each other. she's my ride or die. and i got her back just the same. she knows everything about me. and i, everything about her. we may have come up separately. but we share the same core values. and this bond is impossible to break. we don't have to always have something to say to the other. the company is enough at times. we argue. but we never fight. we disagree. but we're never over. our relationship is a soulful one. music. love. laughter. the perfect tag team. we're addicted to each other...

...just my thoughts. a combination of all of my favorite qualities i've seen women display. maybe this is just a fantasy. but we're all entitled to our own dreams right? well let's just say this is one i can't help but wish it comes true...

Emerald

meet Emerald. my very first car. [he best '92 Toyota Camry ever made. ever!] *tear* i miss her so much! I LOVED HER SO MUCH! and she loved me right back. even when she broke down every now and then. it wasn't her fault. it was mine. i should have taken better care of her. but she knew she was my first. i think she was my first love. she represents a major point in my life. that was the first car i had sex in. and i had some really amazing sex back there. [well all over actually...;)] i had the dark tint all around. i had a nice lil CD player system with some questionable but good beat. [my first car. dont judge me.] and when i was finally able to drive to school! i was the man! so many memories: my first date being able to drive. my first ticket. my first race. my first accident. my first flat. and the sex was amazing! what about driving the freeway for the first time. driving to the beach. and wherever else i was confident she could go. i wish i could go outside and hug her right now :(. she's gone now. she was getting old. barely staying alive for me anymore. it doesnt matter how many cars i end up having in my lifetime. no car will ever compare to my dear Emerald. i really wish i could have her back now :(

unattended

so ive been single for a while now. but i really started stepping out into this 'single' world just over these last couple of months. i had been in relationships continuously for a long time so it was kind of weird to transition back into this. i was definitely used to the calls. the attention. the ability to go over a boo's house and cuddle and watch tv and alla that. that sh*t kiiiiinda just stops when you're legit single. [found that out the hard way...] and i don't mean the single where you're 'kinda talkin' to someone or in a relationship with 'no titles'. im talkin legit clean slate single lol. now i'll admit that i dont have the cleanest past with my relationships. ive done my dirt and paid the price several times. [dont judge me by the mistakes of my past. they do not predict the actions of my future.] but i was young and dumb. and im not saying i have things all figured out right now. but then again, i dont think im supposed to at 22. i acknowledge that my past relationships have been the most amazing learning experiences ever. and with that being said. ive chosen to take this time and learn a bit more about women. i guess you can say im trying to figure out how they work [good luck with that right?] and so far there has been one situation that im finding out seems to be quite common. i referred to it as "unattended woman syndrome". hear me out. it's just identifying a woman within a relationship who is feeling unappreciated or in some cases disrespected. while giving her all in the relationship, he's barely trying to match her effort. he's not appreciating the little things she's doing to provide happiness for him. i could go on forever with this but the fact of the matter is: these dudes out here are leaving their women unattended. and there are so many [good] dudes out there willing to treat them right and appreciate everything they have to offer. and if you don't wake up soon. she's gonna leave you. so i wanted to send a message to all the fellas out there who aren't truly appreciating these beautiful women for who they are. but it looks somebody beat me to it...

What a Boyfriend Should do...

Ladies I know it's times where you expect a Man to know what to do when you're sad, wanna be held, mad, tryin to be playful, in need, etc. But usually if you aren't upfront about what you want they'll NEVER know. Men aren't mind readers nor are they gonna beg to know what's going on with you. Not saying that they don't care but they simply just don't communicate like us. So I decided to help you guys out in certain circumstances. However, this may not work for every1 but I'm almost certain the ladies will agree. To be completely honest these are things that I wish would've happen while I was in relationships with boys [yeah i said boys cause they weren't at all men yet] but it didn't happen for a reason [growth]. Also men feel free to let me know how you feel about what is ask'd of you....Here we goo!!


When she walks away from you mad
(Follow her)
When she stares at your mouth
(Kiss her)
When she pushes you or hit’s you
(Grab her and don’t let go)
When she starts cussing at you
(Don’t cuss back and make her feel worse,just deal with it for the time being)
When she’s quiet
(Ask her what’s wrong,but not a billion times when she says nothing)
When she ignores you
(Give her your attention)
When she pulls away
(Pull her back)
When you see her at her worst
(Tell her she’s beautiful)
When you see her start crying
(Just hold her and don’t say a word)
When you see her walking
(Sneak up and hug her waist from behind)
When she’s scared
(Protect her)
When she lay’s her head on your shoulder
(Tilt her head up and kiss her)
When she steals’s your favorite shirt
(Let her keep it)
When she tease’s you
(Tease her back and make her laugh)
When she doesn’t answer for a long time
(Reassure her that everything is okay)
When she looks at you with doubt
(Back yourself up)
When she say’s that she like’s you
(She really does more than you could understand, completely true)
When she grabs at your hands
(Hold hers and play with her fingers)
When she tells you a secret
(Keep it safe and untold)
When she looks at you in your eyes
(Don’t look away until she does)
When she misses you
(She’s hurting inside)
When you break her heart
(The pain never really goes away)
When she says its over
(She still wants you to be hers)

I Respect the Struggle...

I was up lastnite writing [as i do every night it seems like] about all types of shit. I found myself writing about the struggle tho, it was one of those moments where you just let the pen and your hand run thru the paper, after your hand gets tired you read over what u got and HOPE its something worth sharing. Funny part is I still don't think its worth sharing even after i made it into a poem and gave it a title [LoL]. But I say what the hell I'll let the readers be the judge!

"Keep in mind that I'm sensitive about my shit!"--Badu

I Respect the struggle

I Strive to prevail

I try to stop wondering what’s fake or real.

I Respect the hustle

I can not fail I’m on my feet

letting my spirit set sail.

I Respect the hard times

For what they are worth

They teach me a lot but they indeed do hurt.

I Respect the real and ignore the fake

The fake will take what I worked hard to make.

I Respect the wise

For they know wisdom

when they breathe no longer I do not forget them.

I Respect the game

Even if i don’t win

I have to learn to lose in order to win.

I Respect the dignity

That no one can take I’m strong sooo i won’t break.

I Respect the process of life it’s self

whether poor or rich Life is a gift

But when it get’s hard it’s almost cursed.

I Respect the rewards for working hard

But I wont let that taint who I am.

I Respect the struggle of Life

a bitter sweet curse but i can turn that around

and make it a blessing in the works.

This is the end of my bitter sweet words.

I want a love like...

PABLO NERUDA! Yes, I said I want a love like him. Why? Because of this poem...

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if i look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ashor the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly you forget me do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land.

But if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love,

ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,my love feeds on your love, beloved,and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

I know after reading it seems impossible right? I believe my Pablo is out there. KEEP HOPE ALIVE!! LOL

Ready?

There are a few albums out there that I'd make LOVE too and Trey Songz "ready" album is Mos Def 1 of them...what's an album you would/have made Love too?

Rain:)

I don't know about ya'll but the rain is my friend...it makes everything feel soft and snugg. It's the season that brings all the old/new boos round [even tho u dnt want them lol] and it makes SLEEP sooooooooo much better. For some reason I always want to dance, walk, & talk in the rain. Fall, our relationship is GREAT! You never let me down, I thank you!!

Open Your Eyes

so i have this crush.
and she is just dope as can be.
perfect in so many ways.
but we met under some unique circumstances.

well maybe the circumstances were unique because ive never met anyone like you.
you had this way about you.

and we got to know each other really well by mistake.
it was never intentional for us to connect on the level we did.

but maybe that's how these things are supposed to happen.

i probably sound crazy.
and i apologize.
i just wish i had the chance to tell you how i feel.

you are beautiful.
inside and out.
your intelligence astounds me.
i said. you are beautiful sweetheart.
in every single way this man could want you to be.
you would never even have to beg me to stay.
because you and only you have made me feel this way.
in such a short period of time.
you know my most persoal flaws.
more than you could ever truly understand.
and i long to know.
if i've changed my ways.
and now know where i go wrong.
could my pains become my joys.
because you recognize the man i've grown to be.
then can i finally treat you like my Queen.
and i; your King.

listen:

[i remember you helped me get all of his CDs. thank you.]

Papers

have you not heard that Usher?! you are seriously slippin if you haven't! i'm a huge fan of lyrics and emotion [that's why i love R&B and poetry] and this song is overwhelming with both! i plan on breaking down some lyrics in here so please turn away if you are not ready to hear what Usher has to say this time around...

now this dude is notorious for relationship songs. actually his albums have become intensely influenced by his personal experiences. and to be honest that makes them all the more enjoyable. people really relate to the honesty in people's lyrics. now i'm not currently going through anything like this myself BUT, just as everyone else, there are some super intense lyrics in here that i can relate to on some level. and i just wanted to point out some that really stood out to me. the quotes will be in different colors. let's get started. can't. get to work on time. can't believe the words to her that i just said. but who the hell argue and fight like dogs at 6 in the mornin?! i know it's gonna be some more sh*t toniiiiight. oh! Usher spits that real sh*t. you telling me you never had that random argument that started late and somehow ended going on until some early hours of the morning??? then you end up being late for work or school because you got some bullsh*t *ss sleep. and that sh*t seemed to only end because you're tired and didn't want to argue anymore so you could go to sleep [no? just me?]. and like he said. you just knew there was going to be some more sh*t waiting for you that night! ugh. for you i gave my heart and turned my back against the world. 'cause you were my girl. girl. girl. i don't d*mn near lost my momma. i done been through so much drama. i done turned into the man i never thought i'd be. i'm ready to sign them papers. papers. papers. [i done took all i can take but you leave me no options girl] i can't deny how much i love you. i done gave up everything i had to. as hard as it is i'm afraid i gotta say... if you ever. ever. EVER find yourself turning your back against the world for your relationship: you probably need to make that come to an end. like seriously. it probably won't work out for the both of you. neither should ever feel nor promote that. in a relationship you are supposed to be a team. an unstoppable force. there should be love. support. and most of all encouragement to go out in the world and represent your relationship by being successful in all aspects of social and professional life. [just me again?] and to d*mn near lose your momma?! i don't know about anybody else but i love my momma to death. yea, i'm a mommas boy. but that's because she's all i have ever had my whole life. my daddy was killed when i was 2. AND i had an abusive step-father. [oh i'm not afraid to get personal lol] so my momma has raised me through some hard times and i appreciate her for that. but to be honest. i have never been in that type of relationship. plus my mom is too cool for alla that. if you can't get along with my mom then i probably shouldn't be with you. just puttin that out there...but the most intense part in here is when he says he's reached his limit and is left with no other option but to bring it too an end. d*mn. a divorce no less! bringing any real relationship to an end means a lot of sh*t happened. or at least whatever happened weighed heavy on someone's mind. and that's completely understandable. sometimes you can't accurately weigh how your actions may affect your partner. i guess that's where that good ol' communication comes in huh? and in the end when someone has really reached their limits and has to call it a quits, that doesn't mean they love you any less. i know personally if/when it gets THAT bad to where lyrics to a song like this are accurately telling our story. i would much rather be able to salvage a friendship out of respect for the connection we shared than be at odds for no useful reason for however long we hold onto a "bad break-up". i'm losing my mind. cant figure out who's wrong or right. i know it's you i love. but i also know it's you i don't like. i love you but i don't like you. we've been there. it sucks. but you can't deny the contradiction of your emotions. even when it doesn't make sense at all lol. i'm tired of sleepin' in the other room spending them long nights tryna figure out what in the hell in my heart i ain't do right. for you i gave my heart and turned my back against the world... maybe you haven't been in the other room. but you ever been in bed and sleeping on clear opposite sides of the bed. just NOT cuddling or rolling over each other or something?! how about when you're trying to figure out where the argument came from when you ain't been doing NOTHING BUT RIGHT! [i feel like more dudes can relate to me on that one..]

look. at the end of the day NO ONE knows the perfect recipe for success in a relationship without trial and error. but it's about the compromise. the communication. the patience. a genuine appreciation of what you both bring to the table. and fun. when it's all said and done you should be smiling about the memories instead of crying or being angry. but unfortunately we tend to be too young to understand that before it's too late. but every thing happens for a reason. so every relationship. every heartache. every heartbreak. it leads to a better you. not a beaten or broken you. and you should never ever settle for less. but now that i've completely ruined the song for you lol:

thank you, thank you. you're far too kind...

so i don't know about you. but i'm tha sh*t at parallel parking. now i admit. that sh*t ain't always as easy as you would like. and this d*mn F150 [a random decision @ a stoopit moment...] don't make it NO easier! but i tell you WHat! i'm the sh*t when it comes to parallel parking! i swear to it. its an art. you just know when you can. but anyways. so that becomes a really intense victory for me. fist pump worthy if i say so myself. [do you enter "pause" here?] but i'm sure you all love that joy. unless you have half a car. cause then you're pretty much always str8. no. im not jealous or anything. just stating the facts. [...i mean they are FACTS...] but now this feels ridiculous and i just wanna say i'm the sh*t @ parallel parking. [it IS the little things that count the most lol...where is your mind @ and why?]

real sh*t

i keep it as real as possible on this here blog. but this might be a little too real for some. so ONLY read if you ready for that real sh*t. judge me if you want. this is me.

i'm a closet freak who is tired of being in the closet! now i'm not tryna be all out and about throwin my goodness all over the place. [been there. done that. i'm good lol :)] but all the girls i've gotten into serious relationships with have put me in a position where i felt i would be disrespecting them if i was more verbal about my sexuality. and i totally understand the reasoning behind it. i'm all for the "lady/gentleman in the streets, freak in the sheets". let's just say i've tried to hide this and i can't live like that anymore! i came across a blog earlier [yes you!] that seemed to awaken the sleeping beast inside of me. [lol] now i don't mean for that to come across too intensely but it is what it is. i enjoy sex very much. as i would imagine many do. and i really can't get with holding my tongue any more. i'm a freak. real sh*t. you really don't have to believe me. i actually prefer that you don't. all i know is i'm definitely into a female getting hers before i even attempt to get mines. real sh*t, some times i will take care of her and be fine with that. sex is more than just about me getting mines. that's d*mn near inevitable. for me, it's more about me tryna see how much she can handle [too much??? turn away now] i have no problem handling mine. i'm a man. and i'm down to please my woman. and they tend to be happier for it. so for all of you brothas who don't go down on your girl. [and random jump-offs DO NOT count!] you're asking for a brotha like me to come along and take them! [not that i'm into that @ all though. i respect relationships from both perspectives. being on the inside and out] because there are dudes out there just waiting to find simple *ss dudes like you slippin! but i feel like i've gotten off track lol. anyways. i'm awake now. and to you who inadvertently inspired slash awakened me. thank you! thank you sooooo much. [please stay anonymous] i hate sitting back trying to be the nice guy all the time. i have nothing but good intentions. but i can't deny my sexuality. it wouldn't be me. so for those of you who know me. those of you who don't know me. those of you who thought you knew me. surprise! [lol] take me as i am. i get down with the romance and comedy and deep intellectual stuff all the way. but i'm about my sh*t. not arrogance. not cockiness. but confidence. [old post] pretty much i'm acknowledging myself as a total package. and this sexual side has been hidden for quite some time so it's going to be interesting to see what happens now. again. you. thank you! [lol]

Hopeless...

remember this kind of love?

i'm ready

i'm ready. for a while now i've been developing my thoughts around the man i want to be. in all aspects. friends. family. professional. public. private. and i'm done just thinking about it. i'm through with just talking about it. it's definitely time to be about it. and i'm ready. i acknowledge the fact that everything is a work in progress. and i recognize that all the bumps and bruises along the way will be apart of my continuous growth towards my ultimate goals.

i ran into an old friend today at the barbershop and right off the back i could see time had done him well. fresh suit. beaming with confidence. he's older and everything but it was still amazing to see where he is right now in his life. and as the conversation we were having continued on it was even more of a treat to hear his future plans. i truly do wish the best of luck to him. he's definitely headed on the right path. but it got me thinking about myself. now it's taken me a while to find my "passion". i was never into school or college much at all and spent a lot of time wasting time. but talking to this dude and sharing my own progress and goals and things of that nature gave me a sense of pride i guess i had kind of ignored for a little bit. granted i didn't need any approval from anyone on my goals to feel validated, hearing from this guy who grew up in the same hood i found myself hanging out in when i moved to California, and see him make it out and have business in the State Legislature [right?!] was very inspirational. and for him to applaud the efforts i've been making and the strides i've been taking to reach my goals was quite a humbling experience.

i'm going to be a history professor at the college level. almost a year ago i realized that my major of interest is history. because everyone's history ties into each others. a victory. a fail. an alliance. it all relates somehow. but i believe that it will ultimately give people a greater sense of where they can go and what they can do knowing the history of their people or their country. in a sense, where they have been and what they have been through. i do however plan to focus on African-American history. because i feel like that's the best opportunity for me to reach the unattended of a generation. i work at a continuation school in Compton, California and it is a heartbreaking experience to see such a population of a generation so unmotivated and uninspired while we have a Black President in The United States of America. i mean seriously! President Barack Obama is among the biggest inspirations for me when it comes to taking school as well as life decisions a bit more seriously. and i feel like presenting the history prior to such monumental moments as the Presidential Election of 2008 will give all races and cultures inspiration to make a difference in whatever way they can. because to understand the history of slavery and to see a President Barack Obama around the world representing the United States of America AND just being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples" is absolutely amazing. there is no way you can stop me now! and it's this sense of pride i plan to share with as many students as i can as a Professor of History. and although i plan on focusing on African-American history, being a history professor, i will be able to provide as much assistance as possible in helping motivate all other cultures and races as well. i also plan on working with inner-city youth programs like the one i work for now to provide all kinds of further assistance in the most needy of areas. like i said before. i'm ready.

the conversation also included my barber who was willing to come to the school and cut hair for free just to have a chance to talk to these kids and help provide whatever motivation he can. and just seeing how he and my friend were so willing to help the cause. to see how willing they were to assist me in working against the odds just refueled my spirits. i have to admit, i had kind of lost a bit of inspiration letting my thoughts get to me: thinking i was too far behind being that i got serious later than others. feeling like my goals were unattainable. but i'm ready. it's definitely the right time to get more focused in school and hurry up and transfer so i can do some damage. i'm hungry to taste this life that i know is just waiting for me. it may sound crazy but i can feel that this is my calling. no matter how i may fall back or start to lose interest, something ALWAYS keeps pulling me back. whether it's random run-ins like this. or something on the news. or something at my school. or reading a blog about someone else realizing there passion. i just feel like this was meant for me. i've been through more than anyone could ever really imagine i have. but i'm sure everyone feels like that to some extent. and rightfully so. but it all leads to something. and i realize that all my ups and downs, twists and turn arounds have led me to this. this life. i'm ready.

and although i focused on my career goals in this blog post, i'm ready for so much more in all aspects of my life. i can't keep delaying things until i "feel" like i'm ready. i have to be ready at all times. failure is inevitable. but it's how you come back. how you grow. what you learn. there is no success without failure. i once read/heard the key to success is to not be afraid of failure. and i am no longer afraid of failure. i'm ready to succeed. i really hope others are as well. it's getting to be that point in life where we as a young generation NEED to start being able to live in this world and help make a difference. help make some long overdue changes. i refuse to not be apart of the success of my generation. and i plan to help guide the next generation towards their own avenues of success just as the generations ahead have helped me. i can't stress it any stronger. i am ready!