2010

Happy New Year! [be safe out there. drink responsibly. watch out for the sobriety checks. don't drink & drive. have fun!]

i like you

the girls i like usually don't know it. and probably never will unless i know the feeling is mutual or i'm feeling bold [aka i might have a few drinks in me lol] i've been trying to get over this for what seems like forever but i can't help but be nervous around girls im generally interested in. and i can't ever get used to rejection. [maybe it's just me but i don't think that's something anyone should ever get used to] well going into 2010 i hope some sort of solution works itself out. i plan on taking more chances and all of that but i just don't know...i like you...and i don't know how to act. they say act natural but i love talking to girls and getting to know them and what they like. i really enjoy knowing girls. and im sure that could possibly be a bit much for some. [or at least i scare myself into believing that] the honest truth is i have a lot to give and just like many out there i want the opportunity to love someone the best way i can. a bit intense im sure. but i know for a fact there are people out there who feel the same way as me. i guess i just have to wait until i meet that one girl who understands. [and maybe thinks it's cute? lol] but when we want something really bad we can't help but get anxious. so i'm sure i might make a few mistakes. but going into 2010 i plan on loving like i never have before and i won't regret one bit of it. this is the year of the lover. [shout out to jdaflip]

My apologies!

As you all can see I'm not such a HUGE blogger and honestly I won't ever be...but I realize that some of you really enjoy this blog and some of you have hit me up on twitter or aim saying "post something already!!" [LoL] I spend a lot of time on my lappy as it is and idk why I can't just log on and give you guys a fix but I promise to do better. Its not like I don't have shit to say LoL. So my apologies for not delivering, hope y'all forgive me :-)

marijuana

i don't think i've ever actually referred to it as that. most likely just weed or some codename. but anyways i will no longer be partaking in smoking weed [i never have/will smoke anything else either]. i've spent the last month or so debating on letting it go and today i decided it's time to cut those strings. there are a couple of different reasons why and if you're interested in knowing why i'll explain that as you keep reading. now i wanna say that within the last 4 months i became what some would consider a serious smoker. i got a medical card and my whole life changed lol. don't get me wrong tho. i don't regret smoking. i don't have anything against it per se. or anybody who chooses to smoke weed. i can't really f*ck with the concept of smoking cigarettes but i dont really have much to say about that. to each their own. it was actually a great experience. i made a lot of new friends smoking. scavengers who just wanted in on my hook up [medical card]. heavy smokers [fellow medical card holders or avid weed smokers]. and weed experts [knowledge of any and all things weed related]. it was a good time all around and i hope the friendships ive built through means of smoking won't vanish [but time will tell]. for me though, giving up weed fell more into my 2010 mindset.

i would like to be more successful in the things i do and the goals i aspire to accomplish and while i can dream big and plan out my road to success, i feel like i'm lacking discipline. whether it be working out or studying or practicing the guitar. i let many excuses keep me from focusing on whatever skill/task i was supposed to be working towards. i don't wanna let that happen anymore. i want to be able to develop a level of discipline that will help me effectively and efficiently reach my goals. im about to be 23 and i wanna accomplish some sh*t in my lifetime so i really don't want to waste any more time bullsh*ttin. i figured picking up a martial art would be a perfect way to help develop this discipline. and i would add onto that by picking up other physical activities to help focus on the discipline of working out and learning something like the values and morals involved in learning a martial art. so anyways, i feel like im rambling now. long story short today i went to a boxing class by way of a good buddy of mine [who i met through smoking] and i loved that sh*t. i already have a hidden passion for working out. i'm addicted to the results [and also the pain after. no pain, no gain lol] i just give into my laziness more often than none. but to me today was just a teaser of what i'm in for in this arriving year of 2010. [oh yea, ive also been playing basketball more and i wanna learn how to play soccer realli good] so with all this working out and training and practice and physical activity i plan on getting in, i figure weed will be unnecessary. now i know many make the argument that smoking weed before working out will increase the results or some bullsh*t but i argue that i shouldn't have to trick my mind or body into doing that. i figure the discipline of focusing on the actual workouts will be more beneficial to my mind, body & soul in the end versus tricking my mind into working out for the wrong reasons. i want to train my mind to want/enjoy working out. [does that make sense?] also the actual act of smoking was never really something i enjoyed. the whole inhaling/exhaling thing never felt comfortable [slash i didnt want it to become comfortable, if that makes any sense to you]. the coughing slash d*mn near dying from inhaling too hard or whatever. and also there would be this feeling in my throat i would get when i would have huge sessions that just felt like years and years of that would leave me with a hole in my neck. and ima be real with yall. i don't want that sh*t at all. so yea, most weed smokers claim their not addicted, and they can stop when they want if they want and i can tell you from being on the inside. that's a lie. weed does become an addiction for some if not most no matter how mild it may be. many smoke to ignore life's issues. some smoke because they enjoy feeling the bond made between fellow smokers. [and i completely understand that. majority of smokers understand each other on a deeper level...or at least the weed makes you think so.] some smoke because they feel it makes them focus better on a task or enjoy life more. makes food better. makes sex better. good sleep. whatever excuses there may be for smoking weed, i feel like there is a healthier, drug-free substitute for all of that. [sidenote: as much as i enjoy the company of a girl who smokes, the smokers cough has always been one of the most attractive things ever and if you smoke on any kind of regular basis, that is inevitable.] well now that i've ramble on forever, i hope whoever takes the time to read this understands where i'm coming from. hopefully it'll change a life or two. if not, i definitely hold no harsh feelings or pass any judgment on those who continue to smoke. it's honestly just a personal decision that i feel will work out in my favor. so please don't be offended when i decline or step away from a session. it's just not my thing anymore. :)

12:34

the time above represents the perfect time. It is a time when the numbers are in sequence beginning with one [a more accurate time would be 12:34:56 where 56 represents the seconds] but that has nothing to do with this post except for that is the time I wrote this. Right now I'm @ a Denny's [many who know me might not be surprised, but I am] I'm out with a buddy of mine right now, hittin up some functions. We just went to one that was entirely too packed and hot for me. It was good, I just didn't wanna be that hot. He wanted to stay so elected to go get something to eat while he enjoyed himself. And that's how I ended up here @ Denny's. I decided I would write a blog while I waited for my food. [I ordered a Grand Slam burrito...I love that sh*t.] Hopefully it doesn't take me too long to eat. and i hope my friend enjoys himself. I don't really have anything to say. I'm just typing. I haven't done that in a while. Now I'm just wasting time until my food comes. So I'll tell you about my niece. I love her so much. That little woman has changed my life and it's such an honor to be able to be apart of her life and helping develop who she becomes. I don't wanna let her down at all. I wanna love her unconditionally and teach her random cool things. I wanna be able to be real close with her and help her understand life when she's afraid to speak to her father [my brother] about things. Well my food is here so I'm going to end this. Thanks for reading. ...in a way, you just kept me company :) [Merry Christmas lol]

as soon as I was ret to dig in, my homeboi calls me and says he's ready to shake. [I had a feeling that would happen lol] so I got half of it to go, ate one half and then left to get him. took him home, came home, finished the rest of that Grand Slam burrito, wrote some blogs and finished this one. I have no idea why I'm telling you this but I am so I hope someone cares/enjoys lol. goodnight [or good morning depending on when you're reading this...afternoon even...]
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

wasted beauty

i cant remember the last time i heard about someone like you
you remind me of those forgotten vixens
the ones who constantly search for love
and can't handle the twist and turns
so you turn to drugs when you dont get attention
you drown the confusion of your emotions in every bottle or cup you can
or a blunt
or a pill
or some lean
whatever takes the pain away
whatever transports you to the next day
because you can't bear the pain any longer

why doesnt he love you the way you want him to?
why cant things just be the way you want them to be?
you love him
but you hate the way he treats you
you hate the way he makes you feel
then why do you still love him
why do you stay around
it doesnt have to be that way
but no one can make you see

that you deserve to be treated better
you should be inspired to experience the world more
versus spending your days and nights numb
someone should get you high off their energy
and you can become their favorite joy
a new addiction if you will
all the highs
and very few lows

but will you ever put down that glass
or put out that blunt
and see past the lies clear eyes is telling you

im scared for you
you dont see any limits
and it's only a matter of time
i just hope you dont slip too deep
and no longer have the ability to see

how beautiful you truly are

home sweet home

baby. i am coming home. to you. and that is enough to keep me living. i'll wake up early. i'll work hard. i'll bear traffic. all to come home to you. eat dinner together. wash the dishes. shower. watch tv or a movie. cuddle. enjoying each others company. or maybe we're around the place doing our own thing. your presence alone will make me feel at. without you. this house is not a home. i love the way you taste in the morning. and the way you feel at night. the smell of your sweet perfume send electricity through my blood. i'm in love with every single bit of you. even the parts you dont think i notice. your beauty knows know ends. baby. im coming home. to you.

the era of my love

my ideal love exists in a different era. in time well before mine. maybe it's because i idolize the love my grandparents had. their time. i wanna say the mid 60's. it may be a troubled time but the love stories ive seen in that era stand out to me the most. the southern girl pursued by a wild southern gentlemen. to imagine that kind of love warms my spirit. something like the Notebook. [if you have seen it, fix that] but that era. that time. it feels like things were more honest. men had to court women before they could win their mind, body & soul. you were introduced to the parents the right way. when you picked her up for a date. or came over for dinner. not caught making out in your house when you thought they were gone. or not because you got her pregnant. and i completely understand those situations. when it's fresh it seems it's at it's best. you live in the moment. you take on the new. the bold. but nowadays it doesnt seem like that lasts too long for whatever reasons. but back in the day it seemed to always last forever. it's that honesty. think of your grandparents. together for decades. yea it may sound extreme to some. but i like the idea of somebody loving me forever. and me loving them just as strongly. but this era is forgotten. i dont even think people fall in love anymore. or at least it feels like they dont. i refuse to be like the rest. im going to live the way that makes me happy. and find someone who wants to write this love story with me. a hopeful romantic i choose to be.

shower sex

i'm not gon lie, it's not always as easy as the pornos and movies make it seem. but that sh*t is some kind of tight. just being under the warm water is amazing. maybe you guys started off washing each other. [don't knock til you try it] and seeing the water rinse the suds away. revealing the delicious complexion of their skin. [if you're not a freak, turn back now] pressing her body up against the wall. or the shower door. the cold may startle her a little bit at first, but if you're gentle, it'll be more of a turn on if anything. and then just the actual act of having sex while the water is raining down on you; it can set a certain type of mood. it can ignite passion. it can create a sensual aura. the scratching can go better in there. [a more intense feeling, less injury risk lol] biting is extremely effective in there. [the water is cooled by the air and the temperature in your mouth will combine with that to create a surprisingly arousing sensation] sh*t, it might end up being some of the best sex you've ever had. but again, ima warn you; it's not always easy to get it poppin tho. it's slippery in there. and some showers may not give you enough space to get it in. [but then again, you can get it poppin in some pretty close spaces if you two know what you're doing.] sometimes after sex i like to shower together. something about washing a woman's body. rubbing lotion all over her. massaging her. caressing her. yea. i'm just into stuff like that. but maybe it's just me...

the best i ever had

often times we hold back in relationships. mainly in the beginning. fear that someone might take advantage of us again. hurt us. use us. abuse us. but often times that keeps us from loving like we know we can. and then we wonder why the relationship went sour. how can we ask someone to love us all the way when we are barely giving half? it's an unfair expectation many of us walk around with. well i can't live like that anymore. do unto others as you would have others do unto you [or something like that lol] i'm going to give my everything and eventually i will come across someone who does the same. and hopefully we can just continue to inspire each other to keep giving each other our all. because i can move forward knowing that i gave my all versus regretting not being 100 from jump. again, i'm bound to come across someone i can build a successful relationship with. to some i may be jumping the gun. but i want a family. and that sh*t doesn't just happen. the 2 people that start a family have quite a bit to go through and experience before they get started. [or at least i feel it should be that way] i idolize the love story my grandparents had. meeting in college. falling in love. living happily ever after. because they were able to build such a foundation. mold such a bond. they started a family. raised children. have grandchildren. maintain ties with family rooted elsewhere. amazing. simply amazing. to me. but then again i'm a just a hopeful romantic. but i feel like there's a woman out there who can appreciate/love/respect me and i can give her the same in return.


baby you're my everything, you're all i've ever wanted...

let's talk about sex baby

how would you feel if i asked you to wait to have sex with me? has that ever happened to you before?

when i saw what cheating did to a girl; it changed my life. and i vowed never to let myself get into those same situations again. and so i came up with a certain way i chose to go about relationships from now on. but more so the moving on process. but even more so about sex. [lol] first off, i am no longer having sex outside of a relationship. it's going to be extremely tough but it's so much safer. it allows time for std testing to take place. [if you dont have anything you, shouldnt be offended.] and then, when relationship ends, i will not have sex for the remainder of that year. [even if i get a new girlfriend within that year] sounds crazy right? but i like the way it works out. i see it as my own twist on celibacy. [im assuming that's allowed. if not...idgaf] if a girl respected that and waited, there would be such a bond built by the time it went down. and it allows me time to successfully move on from a past relationship before entering a new one. [major area of f*ck ups in the past] and get tested. [are you scared?] then once the New Year rolls around, the 1st kiss of the year means so much more AND there could be New Year's Day sex! [super plus!] and just think. starting off the year with a fresh relationship! if enough time has passed and allowed us to build a good foundation; the possibilities are endless. now some might ask "what if that's not enough time for me to move on?" EX: a relationship that lasted a long while, years maybe, and it ends in NOV/DEC. well if i don't truly feel i am ready to get in a relationship again, i won't. and i'm not going to lie to myself. what good would that do? and in the meantime when im not in a relationship, not having sex, not building a foundation for a new relationship; ima keep on living loving learning and laughing.

idk...

i blogged today. or at least i wrote an entry. got pretty into too lol. but at some point i just stopped, doubted that it would make any sense and deleted it. it was about trust. a subject i feel some kind of way about. i just felt like i was too all over the place with it and it wouldnt make sense or nobody would care to read it. lol i guess i experienced a moment of writer's insecurity. [as i'm sure many other bloggers have] but i dont like that. i dont know why i felt it. maybe it's because it's been so long since ive blogged. whatever it is i need to get this together. i miss blogging. it's just things have been kind of all over the place in my head lately. idk..

Imperfection

We wake up in the morning
look ourselves in the mirror, and we try to see
our imperfection that seems to appear.

The imperfection could be exterior or interior, 
it could be something you can correct
or it could be something you did and can’t forget.

The imperfection shines brighter on somebody else,
even though you have more to deal with,
you could be judgmental or critical
but deep inside you know love is unconditional.

Maybe saying, “I’m sorry” it’s mandatory,
coming from your conscious,
coming from your heart,
coming from your mind,
that you know you were wrong.

A lot of times people forget we're ONLY human, shit happens, and people make mistakes [Even those who are in the "spotlight"]. Don't be so quick to judge just because you think NO1 knows your dirt cause guess what? There's a higher POWER that knows ALL of what we do and what if he judged you??

For All We Know

Donny Hathaway is my all-time favorite singer. I wish i could sing like him so bad! It started out with This Christmas [shoutout to daymechelle] but when i went to see Roll Bounce [don't dare judge me. the movie was good] this one song really stood out to me and it naturally became my second favorite Donny Hathaway song [nothing can beat This Christmas lol] but i can never find it on Youtube :(
[and Youtube has everything!] so if you can come across a legit version please check it out. it's such a gem. [check out the covers at your own risk...] if anyone so happens to come across a good version or an actual recording of the song i can put on this post, please do not hesitate to comment with that information. i truly do appreciate it.

emo

i'm human. as often as i may live like i'm not. i am. and i'm an emotional human. no matter how nonchalant my demeanor may come off. and sometimes life just gets to me. not in a bad way. i gave up my emo/depressed ways a while back. but every now and then i get "drained". it might be constant dealings with an ex. or just time for a much needed break. whatever it may be i found that escaping into a world of music . [go figure lol] but i tend to gravitate towards slow music. a lot of people stay away from these types of songs during moments like this because they feel it might drag them deeper into their fun. not i. i have this weird appetite for emotion. and i tend to listen to these songs. no matter what their content/message and draw on the emotion behind the lyrics or vocals or harmonies or melodies or instruments. any and everything i can. and eventually i'm recharged. it's like hearing what others are going through. what they've been through. or how they feel. whether i relate or not. eases me in some way. i hope that's not taken in some weird way. but it is who i am. whatever the case may be. now that i've made absolutely no sense. i wanted to share a song with whoever comes across this posts. it's a bit of a listen. but worth it. i hope someone finds the time to enjoy it :)

[i wanna blog about the significance of Musiq Soulchild to me at some point]

what did we do again?

i play video games. a lot. and i play them online. it's fun. i'm a nerd. a geek. a guy. loser. whatever you wanna call me. that's me. but the one thing i cannot stand when playing online is when i hear all this racism towards black people. and there's no real way you can tell what race/culture you're playing against [unless your name makes reference to it] so a lot of times these people are casually saying the most disrespectful things about black people without one possibly even playing against them. and it gets real unnecessary too. there are whole groups that play together just talking all kinds of sh*t. i swear i've heard some sh*t that will legit put you right back in that time of slavery. it's absolutely f*cking ridiculous. and what can anybody do about it??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! and that pisses me off the most. i'm not racist. i may not refer to everybody in the politically correct way but i don't harbor any hidden resentments towards anybody. whatever feelings i may have towards someone is definitely based on the individual. not their race. not their culture. not their geographic location [because there's a whole bunch of anti-American talk on their too] nor any reference to their nationality or background. and unfortunately it's not just an international thing. there are people who clearly live in the USA that are online spewing all kinds of racist sh*t. i'm not asking for the red carpet treatment. i'm not asking for reparations or 40 acres and a mule. i'm just asking for the same thing EVERYBODY else wants. respect. is that honestly too much to ask? we have a black President. not for bragging rights. but as clear evidence that we as a people. we as a country. have come a long way since the days when slaves were shipped from Africa to all around the world. i myself want to travel the world. i want to see sh*t. i want to do sh*t. and your telling me i have to always keep my guards up because of the color of my skin? the way i talk? the way i walk? where i live? where i was born? how i look? with no respect for what i may have to offer? well i'll tell you this. as much as sh*t like this pisses me off. ima let it motivate me. my name is going to mean something before i'm done in this life. and every racist comment. every racist side glance [you know what i'm talkin about..] every disrespectful thing that i have ever experienced and will continue to experience [it's absolutely ridiculous that i had to say that] is only going to fuel the fire of success that burns inside of me. because see i strive to be more than what you make me out to be. i'm not just that NIGGA/NIGGER. i'm not someone's baby daddy. i'm not that brotha standin on the corner. I am Mychael Anthony Brown I. a young man trying to find his own way to transition into the adult world successfully. and either you're going to respect that or regret that. i'm done.

Excepting Christ

This wednesday at 7pm I'm going to be getting Baptized:-) This will be the 2nd time but I think when your a child and your parents decide for you it doesn't count [it does tho] but I felt since I'm old enough to really understand religion and decide my own destiny there is NO better time to do so then now! These last few years have really brung me closer to GOD for soo many reasons but to be honest the reasoning was selfish on my part. Also it was a struggle keeping the FAITH with loved ones dying especially when they're young and doing positive things [it made me feel like I was going to be next] and then you start to question HIM, which they say your NOT suppose to do [I'm only human]. I was never really taught how to approach GOD or how to pray in terms of word usage and I'm still not sure if I got it right but I do know my prayers do get answered in some form or another [so maybe there is no wrong way]. However, during that time of selfishness, grief from losing people I love, and taking NO responsibility for Daynesha. I noticed somehow I forgot who was in control of this journey and it was time to reconnect with what I believe in and regain FAITH that was never really lost in the 1st place. Although, I'm not the every Sunday church going type and I don't have to be, but I do know what type of commitment I'm making and I won't lie, it won't be easy [what is?]. I look forward to what GOD has in-store for me and I continue to walk in FAITH!
**If ever you feel like I felt I hope this post will help you thru it all!**

P.S. If you don't BELIEVE in something you'll FALL for ANYthing.

Perfect Lullaby

Frustration

Alot of things come wayyyy too easy for me. However, men seem to hide [well the decent ones who actually could have a chance]. I hate that all the men who want a chance aren't the ones that I like even a little bit LoL. For example, you know how they say all the ugly dudes are the BOLDEST dudes ever. They'll be 1st to ask you for your number, a dance, buy you a drink, etc. But the cuties they MUST think they too good. I'm here to tell ya YOUR NOT!! I've been single for a while now and it's funny how men think that try to "pursue" me. I won't go into detail but I will say you've all FAILED! I know I can be intimidating at times and extremely blunt but those are things I think men should appreciate. Older men do! Which brings me to my next point. Older men are mature already, they know how the game goes and they're so ready to sweep a young tender like myself off they feet. But here's the catch they probably got 2 and 3 baby mommas, still live at home with their mom, or they just too damn old lol. Ladies the saga continues until you find th@ 1.

Tis the Season

[This is what seals the deal for me...Thx Donny!]