let's lighten the mood

The Hardest Moment Of My Life

you couldn't imagine the things i've been through in my 23 years of living. moments that have almost brought me to the point of taking my own life. [please don't worry about that. i'll never give up living, no matter how difficult it gets] but this 23rd year has already given me the hardest moment of my life. through the years you gain friends enemies. and you lose friends/enemies. i am not perfect and shall never claim to be. since i started blogging a year or more ago i have always confessed to being a work in progress. and i will never say any different. especially with having accomplished so little compared to how much more life i have and how many more things i have to accomplish. [goals as far as career/marriage/family] i haven't always made the best decisions. i haven't always gone about things the right way. but i've grown up with many disadvantages many around me could never guess or assume. and please don't take that as an excuse. because i surely don't offer it as one. just an explanation behind a lot of the decisions/choices i've made in life that haven't been the best. through it all, whether fueled by anger/jealousy/greed, inside my intentions have always been and shall always be good. like many others, at times those good intentions aren't always recognized and sometimes those negative emotions can blind me. whatever the case may be: i apologize. to any and everyone i have ever hurt, i'm hurting, or will hurt. again, i don't apologize for the sake of justifying any actions or wrong doings. i apologize because as a soul trying to find his way in this world, i have to accept the mistakes i have made, apologize from them, learn my lessons and march forward looking for a way to prove i am continuously becoming a better man; a better person. most recently i've experienced one of the hugest shifts in my life ever. and to be honest i don't think anything will ever occur in my life to this magnitude again. and while i have had true friends stand by my side and help me realize the lessons i have learned from this experience and acknowledge a lot of other aspects that surround this specific situation, i am hurting more than i can ever say i've hurt before. a lot of people attribute it to them immaturity of specific persons. or the hurt. or the "follower" mentality of some. but it all hurts. to see people speak so badly about me. to go so out of their way to disrespect my name. to spread such inaccurate rumors and offer such a jaded opinion of me. it hurts. and while many may feel my pain. while many may have experienced similar if not worse. because it's going on at this very moment in my life. because it's happening to me and no one else. it's a pain that i can't believe anyone accurately understands. i mean at the end of the day no one else is in my shoes. no one else takes these rumors/comments/actions as personal as i do. but i'm not trying to play the victim here. i got myself into this situation. i knew things would change. and as hurtful as it is. i don't regret anything. it took something like this to expose a lot of people's true character's to not only me, but the people surrounding them who may have a bit of info on what's going on. i wrote this blog as an attempt to help move past this. i'm not trying to hurry the process by any means. but as many bloggers know, sometimes there are somethings you can't accurately get out to people through a conversation. and sometimes letting these fingers speak from the soul is the best medicine whatever ails you at the time. and that's what i'm doing. i pray many times a day. [since before this bump in the road] and i have not let up one bit through this ordeal. as a matter of fact this has taught me to pray more often actually. now i'm just saying what works for me. every time i experience that moment where it seems like i've been dealt a hard blow. every time i hear of something more hurtful. every time i feel alone. every time i start beating up on myself and sulking. i pray. because i know that He will never give me more than i can handle. and i acknowledge that i cannot do anything without Him. so i'm not about to sit here and think i'm going to be able to grow and move forward in life without getting down on my knees and praying to Him to help me through this. and this is tough. real tough. everyday i'm scared that someone i truly appreciate as a friend will hear some bullsh*t about this situation and change their opinion of me. as many that have showed their true colors and hit me up just to make sure i'm okay. have made an effort to show me our friendship hasn't changed, i just can't help but worry who's next ya know? but everything happens for a reason. i found myself locked in an environment that really wasn't good for me. and to be honest, probably isn't good for anyone else involved in that same environment. and i say that because i know many who voiced the same concerns about getting out of that. as harsh of a situation as it was, it allowed me to get out. and i know this is the perfect opportunity for me to put myself in a better position in every aspect of my life, but again, this is hard. that routine you get used to. those people you become familiar with. for it all to just up and change can really rock your world. this is not to say that my issues are the toughest things going on in the world. i know they're not. [my prayers go out to all in Haiti] but this is an issue that's closest to home for me. something in my actual everyday living that is really affecting me. *sighs* i just needed to vent. if you read this, thank you and i hope you understand. this is honestly just the hardest moment of my life. but i promise you the phoenix will rise from the ashes. a new beginning is not far away at all. *smh* i just needed to express my feelings about what i'm going through right now.

-there will be no revision/edits to this one. this is just me. raw as can be. i let my fingers speak for my soul.

Friendship

Before I started typing this post I really had to brainstorm a bit to figure out which approach I was going to take with this topic...I'm sure y'all can think of many ways yourself to approach this but my concern and question is: What does friendship mean? I've asked this question plenty of times to people just to make sure we were on the same page, but I notice a lot of people really don't take heed to what comes out their mouth [you know the kind of people to just tell you what they think you want to hear], befriending you because they think its cool. Not knowing who you really are. Also a lot of people think cause they know your name or you've been around their group of friends on several occasions your friends, naw playa we just associates. Then of course there are those who think just because your friendly and cordial your friends, wrong again!

Friendship to me is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, and empathy. Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, "Ahh, home." You shouldn't have to wonder about a friend or they shouldn't have to wonder about you. It's a relationship you know that person is someone you can count on NOT to let you down. Don't get me wrong friendships have its ups & downs, smiles and frowns, but for the most part if its a for real friendship and both parties take it seriously then there is NO problem at the end of the day.

However, not everyone views friendship like that...I know sometimes people grow out of relationships, or that whole people come into your life for different reasons, seasons, and maybe lifetimes, but I do know some endings to friendships are uncalled for and sometimes make you question your judgement on a person [like Damn I didn't know they'd get down like that]. One thing I've learned throughout the years you can NEVER be too sure with people PERIOD! I'm not just saying that because I have trust issues either, its the truth! I DON'T PUT SHIT PASS ANYBODY!! not even my family!! Cause people will change on you quicker than you can count to two [yeah that fast LoL].

In my personal experience with friends I've learned that the TRUE ones shine brighter than the FAKE ones and sometimes you won't be able to tell the difference but sooner or later it'll come to light and hopefully you'll be true to yourself and recognize.

Let's not forget to truly understand what friendship means before we go out making them :-)

Sade - Skin

[im waiting til i can find something to post here because this song is simply amazing. until then, click here]

daymechelle

when we started this blog i can't say that me and DAYMECHELLE knew each other all that well. we go back to high school but it wasn't until after those high school years that we really got to know each other. back when i put it out there that i wanted to do a blog with someone and she expressed her interest, i had such a good feeling about her and what she would be able to bring to the BlogWorld. if im correct, this is her first blog [?] and i cant tell you how much i appreciate her being willing to take that giant step into this Bloggers world. [with me nonetheless] naturally we have gotten to know each other a whole lot better and while we do share a lot of similar perspectives we are not the same person and i love that about her the most. whether it's a blog post or a personal conversation, she comes at everyone with a rawness that is can only be respected and appreciated. i've met many people in my life and i've gotten to know many but i can truly say that this girl right here is a rare breed and i am extremely happy to be able to share this blog with her and im so glad that this was an excuse for us to get to know each other better. i just wanted to take this time and acknowledge her and let everyone else out there know how blessed i am to be sharing this blog with her. DAYMECHELLE: you my dear are an amazing person with an amazing spirit and i appreciate you more than you could ever know. gimme some huggin!

*HUG*

A Sammie moment

i like his music. the 'Sammie' is amazing and one of my favorite albums

[Sammie - I Like It]


[Sammie - Crazy Things I Do]


[Sammie - You Should Be My Girl]


[Sammie - Come With Me]

Eve

remember the pitbull in a skirt that came at fools like this...

[they dont make females like this no more huh? males & females need some gangstas like this in they corner]

23

20.10 was supposed to be my year of discipline. i wanted to get more focused on al the goals i accomplished. i quickly got side tracked. caught up in hype and stuff. i dont really care to make this long but this is my message to everyone who knows me. im going away. ima be in the same place. same number. same bbm. same email. contact me whenever. but i wont be on twitter. im hardly ever on facebook already. i'll rarely be on AiM. i need to focus. and i have to give up the little distractions. i will continue to blog. i dont know how often or how frequent. hopefully we wont lose any followers. and new ones are always welcomed. but this will be my outlet to vent what's on my mind while im "away" or whatever. or just questions/concerns/or lessons learned. i want to be unreal. unlike anyone you've ever met or known. all i ask is that you believe in me. i believe in you. it's time. [i know this may seem weird to most]

[shout out to my buddy Bertran for this video]

i've always admired Will Smith. he's one of my idols. i admit i have many for different reasons. ive never wanted to be one specific person. a combination of many. i'll prolly start posting blogs about those people among many other things. i hope more people become involved in this blog. we wanna hear from you. we wanna talk to you. we wanna relate. we wanna debate [in a friendly manner of course] take what you can from this and use it. be better. you can always be better. we can always be better. if no one loves you. i do.

Passion for fashion[online]

Clothes, shoes, handbags, accessories, and hats I love them all!!! My closet holds all of these things but its NEVER enough. I know some of you might think I'm probably a shopaholic but the truth of the matter is I HATE shopping because usually I can't find what I want or if they have what I want its not my size [that pisses me OFF!]. However, online shopping has been the BEST thing ever created. I find everything online and in ALL sizes!! Also you find all the cheap brand names and exclusives for little to nothing, its Amazing! I realized going to the mall and working in retail ONLY gets you a certain few looks that the stores think are in for the season. Personally I'm not a fan of looking like everyone else. I don't even know what to call my style because I get dressed on how I'm feeling first and on where I'm going later, if that makes sense. But I just wanted you guys to know shopping online will make your life sooo much easier and happier!!:-) I advise the shopaholics to try it out but don't blame me if you go broke LoL.

Haiti

As you all know haiti needs OUR help! Text "yele" to 501501 or "haiti" to 90999. Also you can donate to different sites like redcross, wyclef has something setup on his website, etc. If you can't help financially I ask that you help spiritually [prayers are definitely worth more than any amount of money].

Dating game.

Do you really know what you want or are you playing the game?

I was talking to one of my close guy friends today about a plethora of things but of course what stood out the most was our conversation about dating. It was funny because it’s the norm for us to go back and forth about how I view men and how he views women. Often in our convos he gets mad cause I end up being right…but that’s beside the point [Lol]. Anywho, as the conversation started I got into telling him about how I was dating this guy for almost two years off & on [I know that sounds crazy but its very true!] and we’ve NEVER made it a casual fling. He’s kept it REAL 110% with everything!! I could go on for days about how this guy is actually really genuine, sweet, honest, caring, and the list goes ON! However, just recently he moved to New Orleans on business for six months and to be honest I was CRUSHED! It was kind of like one of those you don’t know what you got until its gone moments but I also realized with all of his unbelievable qualities he’s still allowing me to play this game…I say that because for one we’ve been dating for two years [who does that?] and its been on again and off again because I’ve spent time getting to know other people, working, school, etc. You know what people do while dating…but as I’m telling my friend the story he stops me and says, “your still SINGLE”. Yeah I know, Bust my BUBBLE! [lol]. He then goes on to say that’s the game and you know it! That made me mad because often times the person you want is right underneath your nose and you just don’t see it because you want to have options and see what else is out there or your like me and you NEED someone that captures your FULL attention. Why does that have to be apart of the game?? Its frustrating when you realize shit after the fact but the funny part is even if I would’ve realized it before hand he wouldn’t be my boyfriend…for the simple fact that I like being single. Honestly, I was crushed because I won’t have anyone like him around. I know it sounds bad but it’s apart of the game ;-) I figure if you can’t keep my focus on just YOU then I gotta keep it pushing and I know some guys feel the same which in there case leads to cheating but that’s a whole other post [lol]. Basically what it comes down to is the games will continue as long as you allow them to…End them here!!

P.s. I personally don’t think it should be called playing games. When your dating anything goes!! Right?

Wishing you a...

Happy 23rd Birthday @thisismycool !!!
Ya’ll make sure to send him some birthday love.

something for the 20.10

Secrets

Have you ever had a secret relationship? A secret affair? I have. And til this day I can say it was the most exciting experience I've ever had. Now many will be quick to assume the worst but let me clarify a few things for you: we were both single. we were in an actual relationship throughout the period of time it was a secret as well as when we became public. and we both chose to have our relationship be a secret for no other purpose than being able to enjoy getting to know each other without everyone else being all in our business. Again, it was amazing. Meeting up in random places. Hanging out without anybody knowing. Acting normal in public. Exciting! It makes everything more intense. That kissing session is a bit more passionate. The sex has that extra rush added to it. The tension built from not being able to be all over each other in public is so arousing! I guess I can say I have a fetish for secrets. [I advise you not to assume the worst and take that to the extreme] I enjoy having secrets. Not for deceitful purposes at all. But I enjoy not having everyone in my business. And there's an understanding between the two people that makes each secret moment mean a little more. You get to experience a world uninterrupted. Whether it's your first secret situation or your 100th, it doesn't lose it's appeal. It all depends on the person. A different person brings a different experience. And each time you'll find you bring something else to the table to help keep the secret a spicy one. [or at least I do] I enjoy the excitement of a secret relationship. And to be honest you may find out that it's only a secret to the both of you. [But then again, that's all that counts] I know I asked a friend of mine how she felt about a secret relationship and she was so against it because she gave into the common misconception of the word secret having such a negative connotation. And understandably so. But never does a secret relationship have me appreciate a woman any less. Nor do I choose to exploit my secret affair and start "hoe'n" around for a lack of better words. WARNING: secret relationships are not for everybody. there's a lot of trust involved for both parties. if you don't trust yourself OR the other person involved...DON'T DO IT!!! please don't try this if you can't handle it. you'll only end up hurting yourself and possibly someone else.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

what's your name again?

sometimes ppl hit you up and you have no clue who they are. or sometimes you do, but you can't remember exactly how/why/where you know them from. and ppl get so hurt when you can't remember their name. [I mean we all have/do] let's stop that sh*t. On New Year's I ran into some girl who tried to jog my memory of how she knew me: my 11th grade drama class [1 semester] and I graduated in '05...#comeonson! you have no idea how many people I've met, how many faces I've seen, how many names I've heard since then. I'm truly sorry I didn't share the same connection you did with me for me to remember exactly who you are. And I don't mean that in any sarcastic way. [As I thought about it later, I remember she had a crush on me...the feelings weren't mutual.] I really wish I could remember everyone I meet but that is nearly impossible. But again, I admit to getting all offended when someone I wanted to remember me, doesn't. But I've learned it doesn't make it any easier for me to become someone they'll remember if I act all butt-hurt. Simply reintroduce yourself. You can't win them all ya know? It will make the greeting much more pleasant and could lead to a good conversation/friendship. I mean, if someone were to give me that courtesy I would probably say something along the lines of "I apologize for that, how are you, how have things been? It's clearly been a while..." And if you can't work with that...then I really don't know what to tell you. So from this early part of 20-10 and beyond let's try to turn "what's your name again?" into a more positive interaction :)
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Dope!

Trey Songz...Reinvented Sex Remix with Keri Hilson and Usher...MY GOODNESS!! When I say they did that x100 they DID IT!! But I absolutely love how Ms.Keri comes in like Boy I will teach you some thangs! [LoL]. Then of course Usher Raymond [he could really get the works] with his....Let me stop! Ya'll just watch......

Is it just me???

Lately I been feeling like a lot of the people in this WORLD have become for a lack of a better word PARCHed!![you know like thirsty for something that's NOT at all as serious as they think]. However, the really bad part about this is they think its "under wraps". For Example: The THIRSTiest (not a word but don't judge me) shit takes place on Twitter. Females and Males be checkin for what they exes be saying to other people, females want to follow the other girl to see what "she" tweets, and all kinds of other BULLSHIT that is just PURE dehydration! Don't get me wrong I LOVE twitter and being all in everybody else business [lol] but certain shit is just uncalled for especially to the point where you gotta block, make your shit private, and things of that nature. Now I know I have done my share of tweeting but it has NEVER gotten thirsty on my end unless purposely and jokingly. The same goes for facebook, aim, myspace, etc. It's like the "OK GO" for females [lmao...smh]. Often times men try to be a little bit more discreet about it but not enough to go unnoticed. I see why I'm who I am cause if I let half the shit get to me like some of ya'll do I'd be fucked up in the game. I mean really where is the satisfaction in being thirsty for someone or something that's NOT even minutely interested in you? Channel that urge you have into something positive [idk who I'm foolin thats too much like right]. Also its cowardly to go through social networks to try and put together a scoop when you could clearly just ask the person what the deal is but once again this just might be my kind of thinking.

On the other hand you have outside of cyber space where REAL life thirsty incidents take place..."he say, she say"(yeah i know high school)...gangbangin(2010 really?)...MUST I go on? So really what it comes down to is shit is getting out of pocket! But I'm NOT at all surprised.

Ladies and Gents is it just me???

Another Decade

Its simply a blessing to reach another decade...I don't know about ya'll but I'm EXTREMEly Happy!! Life is indeed complex but I have to admit its AWeSoMe at the same time. Happy New Year everybody!!! DO YOU!!