Taking Responsibility

I'm lying in bed sick with sooo much on the brain...you know how when its just you & the four walls (no tv, no music, no nothing) you get so caught up in your thoughts on the past & the present? Well today thats just what consumed me, my thoughts. However, it wasn't the thoughts I'm happy about...It was more so the ones you think "what if". It's a lot of things that took place in the last few years that I wish I could change. YES, I have one regret!! I know that some say everything happens for a reason but some things should NEVER FUCKIN HAPPEN!! I know I'm human & all that other shit that people say to help you get through hard times, but making mistakes that could cost you your career or livelihood is SIMPLY stupid!! I'm a very private person but I feel like I'm at the point where I can be OPEN about my life & not be judged on my stupidity or mistakes I've made because I'm correcting them.

May 12, 2009 I was ready to get shipped off to bootcamp in quest to become a UNITED STATES SAILOR(USN). Little did I know it wasn't going to happen like that....Walking into MEPS that monday morning with my head held high only to be told that I had been discharged due to......something that I had experienced once before. The feeling of NOT knowing was one thing but the feeling of having to go home to parents who supported me in this endeavor & have to explain why I'm still home is a WHOLE different set of emotions. From that day to this one I've been STRONG on the outside but on the inside I'm weak! Honestly, I can't even explain how I'm making it because I beat myself up behind closed doors not physically but my thoughts eat me alive. GOD is healing me & I do believe that but I still get to thinking WHAT IF!! It's hard not too! My parents know whats REAL & they hurt just as much as I do but for my mom its still disappointing & one thing I don't want to be is a disappointment. Today, I'm striving to accomplish this goal & when I do boy do I have a testimony. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve nor feel like my problems should be everyone else problems, so some of my friends might read this and think "why didn't she tell me this?" I just couldn't!! For one its somewhat embarrassing because I was SO fucking confident & sure I was already in like flin and GOD snatched me from my HIGH & said, "naw boo you aint ready, humble yourself". Since then I've excepted christ, trying to hold on tight to FAITH, and trying to let it GO!!

I'm saying all of this to say don't let your past crupt your FUTURE! If the door hasn't closed & locked there is still a way for you to go through it. NOTHING in life is handed to you!! You MUST work HARD VERY HARD to get it!! Knock out everything thats in the way...family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend(s), haters, ANYTHING that prevents you from your DESTINY!! Trust and believe I know its easier said than done. I'm still planting this into my head as I type it to YOU! but.......

GOD-CAN!